Last night I had a dream I was in a packed restaurant. It seemed like every time I thought I had found a place to sit and order, something would happen and I would lose my seat. I couldn’t even get a seat with my mom and cousin.
I woke up feeling kind of dejected. It's weird to not really know where you belong or where you fit. It's crazy because I remember when my oldest was in middle school they told him he HAD to know what he was going to be when he grew up. How else would he know what courses to take? He became upset because he didn't have a clue. I kept telling him he didn't have to know. "You can make changes throughout your life,” I told him.
And here I am in my late fifties finding myself in the same position. Where do I fit? What should I be doing now? Where do I belong? I feel lonely, yet I am not alone. I have a good support team. I think it's more a bit of impatience, wanting to be wholly well and not, wanting to be free to be, and not. I know all these things take time, and I am getting there, I'm just not there yet.
I have a feeling that in a few months I will look back on this and laugh. I’ll have found whatever my “thing” is for this life’s era. I will be happy. I will feel fulfilled. I know this because that’s what happens in the void. It comes. It brings darkness, and then, like the eclipse, the light returns.