(The following was originally posted on my Carepages blog for family and friends during my treatment.)
Sometimes I look in the mirror and just feel like an alien. I have no hair. My scalp feels like rubber. My eyes seem to dominate my head. I retain water and feel larger than Jamie. I’m writing this looking at a photo of myself from 2005. I’m not going to be that person ever again. (Not that I could have been anyway.)
Potatoes. . . my body needs them. I have no idea why, but I am complying. This ranges from potato soup to tater tots, french fries to baked potatoes, potato chips and potato pancakes. Potatoes. Yes, please!
Television. . . thank God to its inventor. It does help to pass the time when nothing else is going to happen.
Boredom. What happens when I have no energy to do anything but have enough energy to hate doing nothing.
Anxiety. What happens when my brain is bored and starts getting ideas about the 20,000 things I think I should do but can’t. I wonder who will do them. (No one.) I wonder when they will get done. (Not this week.) I wonder who will care. (Me.)
Sneaks. The things I do when no one is looking, then own up when caught. (See Anxiety.)
Dates and Numbers. I can't do them well right now. I thought I was seeing the oncologist last Monday. No, it's this Monday coming. I had to take my new bank card to the bank. I messed up the automated activation. Don't even talk to me about balancing the checkbook.
Sometimes just putting on makeup requires me to sit down after and take a breather. I do it anyway because my mother did. She always did her best to look good no matter what. (Role models.) The makeup doesn’t do much to hide the alien, but the “Better than Sex” mascara and Chocolate Bar* eye shadow make me feel better about myself.
I keep singing the Corona beer commercial, “Take your time, take your time, take your time, no need to hurry. Take it easy, take it easy, take it easy, no need to worry. . . (Hopeton Lewis wrote the actual song.) That’s pretty much where I’m at right now.
*I didn't receive anything to promote these products. The opinions are my own.